When I arrived in Manchester that evening, I found my daughter in a fragile and highly traumatised state, she appeared underweight compared with the last time I had physically seen her a few weeks earlier, sobbing uncontrollably. I comforted her and she told me he had so far refused to speak to her and would not answer her calls or messages and that he had broken into her phone while she was asleep. I slept in her bed with her that night and she gripped my arm so tightly I had fingerprint bruises on my arm the next day. Alanis and I woke up at 9 am the next day and she messaged and rang him for hours but he would not pick up or reply. I offered to collect her passport and ID she needed for work and she said she would ask Jakob (her brother who also lived in Manchester) to collect them and messaged Ryan with this request.
He finally replied to Alanis, who read the messages aloud and put him on the phone speaker several times. During the conversation, Ryan was crying and sobbing about how they could never be together again and how people would need to know why they broke up, he said she had betrayed him and his morals and principles meant the relationship was over. For want of a better term, he was milking it. This went on for hours and Alanis was devastated, terrified as she didn’t know what and how much information he had copied to himself, or who he might pass this information to, she was completely at his mercy, even agreeing to keep to their arrangement to pay back money he had given her and telling me he was expecting £600 from her May salary.
At approximately 6.20 pm on May 29, Alanis sat down to talk to me saying everything was her fault. She had hidden things from him as she was ashamed and scared to tell him and critically; that he had told her he had already told people why they broke up having copied and sent to himself private and confidential information from her phone.
Alanis told me: “It’s tough Mum to find a friendship group, I will have to move away on my own, everyone will know everything about me, and everyone will hate me”. For Alanis, the fact that she didn’t know what he was telling people or the extent of the information he stole. This fact terrified her, who would he tell, would he send information to her family? Could he tell her new employer? Would she lose her job? I tried to reassure her that I would support her 100% and that we would make a plan to sort everything out. Alanis then said around 6.45 pm that she wanted to go for a walk to clear her head, she was aware I had been cooking dinner and told me not to worry as she had her phone, refusing all my requests to go with her. She had already asked me if I would be there the next day and so I reluctantly stayed in her apartment. Alanis never came back.
What did you deduce from her conversation with Ryan while you were with her?
My worst fears were confirmed, he was utterly controlling, had preyed on her vulnerability, being under so much pressure at work and her genuinely kind nature. He was demanding money from her regularly and had even created a spreadsheet to this effect. Nothing was for free and he made it obvious that he wanted the money he said he gave her to help the situation she was in repaid. This included pressure to fund a 6 month holiday around the world that he wanted them to do.
Have you got any invitations from the police since your daughter died?
In short, no, to date, British Transport Police and Greater Manchester Police have failed to take a statement from me despite being a physical primary witness to events immediately before she took her own life. They instead chose to rely on a statement from Ryan – her ex-partner to conduct and conclude an investigation that they didn’t have the authority to do. The same conclusion was reached by GMP because they reviewed a report that BTP had no jurisdiction to conduct. This is an ongoing situation that my family and I desperately need support for to continue fighting for justice for our beloved Alanis. The allegations I made to attending officers who arrived at her apartment to inform me of her death, appear not to be recorded or followed up and should have been passed directly to Greater Manchester Police who have the authority to conduct a criminal investigation. Instead, British Transport Police chose to investigate something they should have passed to the appropriate authority such as GMP and have since persisted with their claim that there is no evidence of third-party involvement. This, in turn, has led GMP to review something that should not have been investigated by BTP which comprised only the statement given to British Transport Police about the circumstances surrounding Alanis’ death. The authorities who are paid to uphold the law and protect their citizens failed up to date to take a statement from me. We have been forced to fight for something we are entitled to which is justice as well as appropriate investigation. It is no wonder we start to ask why the police are so reticent to take appropriate steps.
As a psychologist who has worked with organisations that partner with the police on domestic abuse cases, do you feel the police are doing enough in your case as it relates to Ryan and Alanis?
I am a psychology graduate and lecturer in further education and currently support people with enduring mental health problems to integrate within the local community. I also have experience in the area of Domestic Abuse. As a former Domestic Violence worker, I worked alongside the police and other statutory agencies to support victims in our refuges and within the community. I was not aware of the extent of the abuse my daughter suffered until May 28 and truly did not expect what followed particularly since my daughter showed great interest in my work at that time and was well-versed in tactics used by perpetrators in all forms of domestic abuse.
Coercive control is central to the abuse Alanis suffered and presented as a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and physical, sexual, psychological and emotional abuse.
Ladies, please report abuse. Recognise abuse. It may be emotional with someone making you feel worthless, not always physical abuse. Please don’t suffer in silence. Please don’t think oh this is too embarrassing. Don’t think everyone will laugh at me. Instead please know your worth and know who you are and know that God/Allah loves you no matter what! Your parents love you unconditionally. Please don’t ever feel too distressed to think there is no other way out. Even if they judge you they are not perfect either. Don’t let anyone tell you you are worthless. That is a lie.
Help is available. Healing is possible as long as you have Life. Believe in yourself.
Here is an organisation that could help with suicidal thoughts:
Human development iniative provides free, compassionate and confidential support over phone. They exist to help everyone in distress or considering suicidal thoughts.
You may be able to find other organisations to contact for help, through this link:
Anyone with further help or information please share in the comments or message the family directly.
